I got this grand idea to post in this journal on rare and special occasions from my friend philip. thankyou. yet another thing i have learned and taken from you. wow, well so much has happened in life, and though i do not feel as if anyone reads these things anymore, im not writing for anyone. purely for me.
well, the other night i was reading past entries, and reflecting on those i had deleted..i guess in hopes that i would forget what ever it was that hurt me so. but here i am a year later, remembering the person i was a year ago, and realizing ive grown immensely. only by the graces of god, who has granted me 18 years and 22 days. it took a lot for me to realize my life is worth living, ive been through so much that to be alive now must mean my life has purpose. and because of the wonderful people i have surrounded myself with throughout the years, i am where i am. one thing we must all understand is that although we may seem miniscule to rest of the world, within us we have capabilities that even WE cannot comprehend. there have been so many people that have been in my life momentarily, but have affected my life so greatly. and in a moment of conceit i will say this, sometimes i feel like you (the people ive been affected by) were placed within my life to change it, for ME to be that much better. because there is such thing as distance and time, and we go seperate ways, doesnt mean i no longer care..it just makes my heart grow fonder. it is my heart and my dreams that are most important to me, and you inhabit both.
i am with love. to say IN love, is so cliche and one can often underestimate its meaning..i want express how beyond just lust or infatuation i am. i am with someone i love. becos of his mind and his heart. he makes me think. and believe in myself. he sees the best in me. and is understanding when i am at my worst. he took care of me when i was sick. and reprimanded for drinking so much. and i love it. i am filled with love for him. for the patience and graciousness he has shown to me. he is truly beautiful. he is a beautiful person and friend. and no you cannot steal my friend.
the past year ive become more honest within myself. I cannot change the world unless I change myself first, ive become my own best friend, and it is the most amazing feeling. ive become more honest with the people around me, my family, the people that try to run from things for fear of being hurt. i heard something that went "time doesnt heal all wounds...it just allows us to amask our insanity" pain is never easy, but its that much more tolerable when you have someone to share it with. you cannot expect time and silence to make things any better, because it wont. i wish my mother would realize this. im changing myself so i can change my world slowly. starting with my mother. im changing myself so i can become a better model for my sister. because i see in her so much potential to be someone and not make the mistakes ive made. i see in her brilliance and everything that i wasnt at her age. i see in her positive growth and for her..and only her. i would risk everything.
this year has made me realize many things. good and bad. but i am greatly that i am alive to experience it all and i hope that this new year is that much better. ummm
|blah blah blah...|